“It’s Not You, It’s Me”

Sermon by Anne Clough on Sunday, July 20th

When I was in college, I had a friend named Jennifer. We lived in the same dorm, although on different floors, and we noticed that we often agreed with each other’s comments in our Western Civilization class. We began to eat lunch together. We discovered that we liked the same goth music. We enjoyed the same movies. And when it came time to move out of the dorms, we decided to be roommates. 

What we had failed to discuss in making this plan was that Jennifer was a bit of a night owl, and I was more of a morning person. But I didn’t mind the quiet time in the morning for journaling and practicing yoga, and she agreed to keep the music down at night. 

Problems arose, however, when we tried to coordinate our social activities.

“Anne, you have to go out with us this weekend, and none of your going home at 11 o’clock, just when things are getting good.”

“I would love to go and spend time with everyone, but I will need to go home at 11.”

“Fine.”

And so we would go out, and laugh, and tell stories, and have fun. And then I would begin to say my goodbyes, and Jennifer would start to give me a hard time. I was a goody two shoes. I was boring. I never cut loose. She seemed to think that my boundary meant I didn’t want to spend time with her. But it wasn’t about her. It was for my well-being.

The truth was that I was tired at 11 o’clock at night. Going to bed at midnight and getting up at 8 was a rhythm that worked for my 21-year-old body. And I had found things to do in the morning that I enjoyed, things that gave me life. On Saturdays, I worked at the farmer’s market. On Sundays, I went to church, and I was a youth advisor, so a couldn’t just decide to sleep in. I recognized that my lifestyle wasn’t typical for a college student, but it was correct and good for me. 

When our lease was up, Jennifer and I parted ways. As it turned out, we were better at-school friends than out-of-school friends. 

There is a constant tension that is part of our human condition. We crave connection and relationship, and we need our autonomy and boundaries. Experiencing the balance between these two polarities, connection and autonomy, is what we name “belonging.” We feel that we belong when we find relationships and communities where we can show up as our authentic selves and be a part of something bigger.

There is no belonging, no healthy relationship, without healthy boundaries. Boundaries allow us to be your true selves. They are a form of self-care. They allow us and our relationship partners to create realistic expectations for how we will be together. Boundaries create safety and security. 

Healthy boundaries begin with knowing ourselves and our own limits. We set boundaries for ourselves that support our health and well-being. This might be eating a certain number of fruits and vegetables, or not going more than three days without taking the time to play the ukulele. These guidelines that we set for ourselves, to keep ourselves whole, are incredibly specific to each of us as individuals. But when we take the time to discern and implement behaviors that will nurture our wholeness, we thrive. 

And, it is each of our unique collection of particularities that makes setting boundaries with each other so challenging. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all just read each other’s minds and know exactly what we needed? So many of us have been socialized that it is rude to ask someone else to change their behavior. I know that I was raised to be “Midwest nice.” I was taught that I needed to “go along to get along” and was reminded that I was not the center of the universe. Perhaps we were told that “this is the way things are,” and we were made to feel that we did not have a choice. This conditioning can be so strong that we feel we are being mean when we make a request, and then, of course, we feel resentful when boundaries we never named are crossed. 

The fact is, people will not and cannot guess our boundaries. We have to name them out loud, very clearly, so there is no confusion. We might have to state them more than once.

I’m sorry, I have a lot on my plate right now. I will not be able to participate this weekend.

I know you were making a joke, but I found it hurtful. Please don’t tease me like that.

I appreciate all the energy you put into making this dessert. It looks amazing! But I have food sensitivities and I won’t be able to eat it. 

I agree that this task needs to get done. I will need some help to complete it. 

When we don’t set boundaries, we end up interacting more than we can emotionally handle, maybe more than we can physically handle. We can burn out trying to meet everyone’s needs without asking for help. Our resentments build up, leading to lashing out. Or perhaps we avoid being around people because they drain us beyond our capacity. Sometimes, we can even be persuaded to do things that don’t align with our values rather than speak up. And our relationship partners may not even be aware that their behavior is causing harm because we haven’t told them. 

Expecting people to read our minds will ruin our relationships. Each of us needs different conditions to feel safe, secure, healthy, and connected. We have to communicate them. Being passive about how others treat us gives them the impression that their behavior is acceptable. [contrast shift]

Of course, in a space of true belonging, we cannot just implement our boundaries; we have to respect others’ boundaries as well. And it’s hard. It’s hard to hear that someone can’t do what you were hoping they would do. It’s hard to hear that they won’t be eating the food you made for them. It’s hard to learn that the type of teasing you enjoy is making someone uncomfortable. 

But we can notice when we bristle at others’ boundaries and ask, why is that? Often, it’s because we would not need that limitation, and we have a tendency to generalize from our own experience. Sometimes, we may feel awkward or embarrassed at having our behavior criticized. We all know how that feels.

If we are of a dominant culture, a dominant gender, a dominant ability level, then we might be used to most of the people we encounter having similar boundaries to ourselves, and we take comfort in those standard expectations. But a cross-cultural encounter can lead to a misstep, and we will need to listen, and grow, and adapt. 

Change is always hard, but can we catch ourselves when we want to label someone “overly sensitive?” They simply have different sensitivities. People implement boundaries to make themselves feel safe and comfortable, not to challenge us, not to punish us. More than one thing can be true at once. We can enjoy teasing and respect that someone else does not. Can we get curious rather than getting defensive? Can we be less critical, and more compassionate?

This openness to the needs of individuals or of marginalized groups is part of our anti-oppression work, and I know you here at 2nd Unitarian are doing that work because I have seen it already in this service. It is there in your invitation to masking and your reminder about consent during greetings. It is embedded in your call to worship and your congregational covenant.  

In contrast, it is a characteristic of white supremacy culture to say that there is only one way to do things and to prioritize the behaviors of those with more power at the expense of those who traditionally aren’t allowed to speak up. This is the ongoing reality of manifest destiny, colonialism and imperialism. It is a culture that says some folks are meant to rule others and decide what is acceptable and the others have to go along. In families, this is can manifest as “father knows best” and “children are to be seen and not heard.” This is the power dynamic that denies some people their bodily autonomy, the right to hold the boundary of their own physical being. This is the attitude that denies consent in sexual encounters. It is the belief that people with uteruses don’t have the right to choose whether or not to bear children and that trans people don’t have the right to gender-affirming care. It is the idea that a stronger nation has the right to violate the sovereign border of another country and rule without the consent of its people. All of it is the attitude that boundaries are determined only by the powerful.

Dismantling these attitudes begins with being accountable to each other and respecting our differences. It means relationships of equality, mutuality, reciprocity, generosity, and compassion. It means valuing each other’s safety equal to our own. It means respecting that we each have a different constellation of life experiences and cultural conditioning, different gender and racial encounters with the world, different abilities and limitations, and we will each need different accommodations in order to belong. 

Setting a boundary does mean choosing a consequence if the harmful behavior continues. That can possibly mean ending the relationship or leaving the community. But if we get it right, if we ask for what we need and we respect each other’s boundaries, then we create a space for deepening connection and spiritual growth. We create a container where our authentic human pendulum can swing, where the tension between our desires for relationship and autonomy can be a creative tension, and we can all flourish. As Unitarian Universalists, this is the essence of our covenantal faith. This is putting Love at the center! Our covenants hold our commitment to the work of creating a space to have healthy disagreement. A space where we can be genuine and honest with one another, where we can discuss our feelings openly without fear of judgement or humiliation. We cultivate an openness to different perspectives. We can count on confidentiality and feel safe being vulnerable and revealing more of the stories of our hearts. And we can pull back when we feel overextended and need respite. 

Many organizations today are finding their departments of diversity, equity, and inclusion are under attack. Some are caving under the assault. But our Unitarian Universalist Association is proud to have a Department of Equity, Belonging, and Change. Equity, Belonging, and Change. Equity - valuing each of our needs for safety and security regardless of power or position. Belonging - creating a community designed for all of us to thrive. And change - recognizing that each of us, and all of us, are a work in progress. 

May we strive to create the balance between the personal and the relational. May we find the courage to speak our truth in love and hold one another in care. And may our growth and love ripple out and help to heal the world. Amen and Blessed Be.

© Copyright Anne Clough 2025