Mental Health Moment 6/1/2025
Marshall Rosenberg and shame vs empathy
Lately, I have been spending time contemplating Marshall Rosenberg’s lessons regarding shame and empathy. Shame is often present when a person is struggling to forgive themselves for taking actions they regret, actions that might have caused themselves or another harm. The thing is, though, shame is rarely an effective tool to use towards taking accountability for harm. In Rosenberg’s NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION (available in the 2U library) he has the following to say about how carrying shame impacts us: “Shame is a form of self-hatred and actions taken in reaction to share are not free and joyful…” So, instead of taking accountability, shame can lead us to run away and hide from the thing or event we might need to face.
Additionally, shame is a lousy motivator for change. Let’s say you have a specific goal. There are so many messages that teach you some version of, “I hate [fill in the blank] and therefore I must change.” But I do not believe people can shame themselves into long-term, positive change. Rather, we need to work with self-love and empathy to achieve the growth we are reaching for.
So, whether you are reflecting on something you regret or approaching something you would like to try, consider reaching for the skills of empathy and self-love for motivation. Empathy towards yourself can be as simple (and complicated) as saying, “I recognize that I previously made choices not knowing what I really needed. Now that I can identify my needs better, I can make different choices.” To quote Rosenberg, again, “We want to take action to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation.”
